Monday, September 30, 2013

To Those of You I have Met:

If I met you while I was in Elementary School:

When I was in Elementary School, I was one of those kids who was "bigger than my body gave me credit for" (to quote a bit of John Mayer). I was overflowing with ideas and personality. I was a bit intense, and I appreciate those of you who were my friends through that time. I was always sure that my ideas were brilliant, and that everyone would always have a great time if they just followed my lead. I was quite bossy. I was quite stubborn. I am sorry to everyone who played with me....I am sure I was not the easiest person to have as a friend.

If I met you in Jr. High:

I hated being "the Smart One". I didn't want that label, so I did what any self-respecting twelve year old would do to avoid a stereotype....I became a different stereotype! I am sure it was not enjoyable to be around me while I was constantly playing the "Dumb Blonde". I am sure that it made you want to punch me in the face every time I obsessed about my looks and my weight. I am sure that my obsession with "this boy", or "that boy" got old really fast. I was mean to many of you. I was self-absorbed. I know that adolescence is a difficult time for most people, and I had my share of crap to deal with, however as I look back, I frequently mistreated those I was the closest to. There were so many of you that I looked up to, and yet...I struggled to show it. Thank you for being there even when I was not a great friend.

If I met you in High School:

While I had pulled myself together quite a bit, I brushed many of you off so that I could hang out with "this boy", or "that boy". I know that many of you were concerned about my behaviors with they boys, and tried to talk some sense in to me, but alas, usually this just made me angry...and I probably yelled at you, and then refused to talk to you for a few days. The sad thing is that you were right, and I was walking a frequently dangerous line. I just didn't want to be told what to do. I am sorry. I am also sorry for being "that friend" who was so frequently that bad influence. I am sorry for how often I pressured you in to skipping class with me. I think I was just a "misery loves company" type in those days. I was filled with teenage angst and had more than a little "rage against the machine" mentality. We all had a lot of growing up to do, and we all made mistakes...I am just sorry for dragging you along with me in mine.  

If I met you in College:

Thanks to you, I began to figure out who I really was meant to be. You ladies that I lived with were my fantastic little "pseudo family". I know that I was kinda wild, and that many of you thought I had taken my "wildness" about twelve steps too far. I probably did, but I needed to explore who I was to become, and you ladies gave me the forum to do so. I thank you! I also really have to apologize to the men I ran across during that time period. I was needing to discover that I had some kind of control over my life, and a lot of that discovery was done at your expense. I treated a great many of you with quite a lot of disrespect. I justified it at the time by thinking that previous guys I had dated held all of the power, and were very domineering. I wanted to set my life back in balance by "settling the score" so to speak. It was all about me, and I didn't really take your feelings in to consideration. I am sorry that I treated you so poorly.

If I met you in my 20s:

Once I was married, and had children VERY soon afterward, I was VERY lonely. My life had been such a fun whirlwind in college, and settling in to Motherhood was a really difficult transition. I was so afraid of not being "up to scratch" with other mothers. I was filled with doubt and loneliness. To those of you who took my under your wing and showed me that everything was going to be alright, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! You were Godsends at that time for me! It is sad the way we as mothers tear each other down and make our insecurities twelve times worse, however, you ladies were paramount in helping me to overcome those insecurities and be a better mother. I love you and am forever grateful to you!

If I met you in my 30s:

It took my 30 years to figure out how to accept myself for who I am. This is largely due to the fact that it took me 30 years to figure out exactly WHO I am. I learned that I spent way too much time as a square peg trying desperately to fit into that blasted round hole! I became unabashedly my own person...however, as it was in my youth, I am "bigger than my body gives me credit for". I know that many of you don't understand the reasons behind my life choices. I have decided that it is ok not to be understood. I know that I am a favorite source of gossip, and I have decided to be happy to supply you with fodder.

To those of you who were in a band with me, I have to thank you for challenging my perspective on everything. You boys were and are a lovely part of my life/family! My experience making music with you brilliant gentlemen was one of the most challenging and rewarding things I have ever done! Thank you for the opportunity!

To those of you who are in my circle of close friends, I thank you! I know that I overschedule myself and burn out and fall off the planet, and don't give you the time you deserve. I am grateful you are my friends anyway. I know that I am not one to share my "deepest darkest", and I struggle to be truly close to people. I appreciate you being there for me despite be being difficult to connect with.

I am grateful for the person I am today, and I am grateful to everyone who became part of the rich tapestry that is my life! I am sorry for the ways that I have hurt you, and am continually blessed for your current or previous part in my life!